Society's messages now cheapen sex beyond recognition
By Casey Hurley
Aug. 23, 2003 9:00 a.m.

Recent articles in The Atlantic Monthly and Newsweek point out that many of us baby boomers are experiencing sexless marriages. Several explanations were offered.

The sociological explanation was that, because both husband and wife work outside the home, little energy is left for sexual intimacy.

The Newsweek reporter wrote, "Lately, it seems we're just not in the mood. We're overworked, anxious about the economy - and we have to drive our kids to way too many T-ball games." (June 30, p. 41)

A pharmacological explanation was also offered: "Or maybe it's all those libido-dimming antidepressants we're taking."

The third explanation was a psychological one. Marriage counselors report that husbands and wives are angry with each other.

Women are angry because husbands do little housework and provide little help with raising the children.

Men are angry because they are not receiving the attention they want from their wives, and they get too little credit for doing more around the house than their fathers.

The irony is that, even under the more sexually repressed times of the 1940s and 1950s, mother and father had more interest and time for sex than does the "free love" generation.

The Atlantic Monthly headline for a review of books about sexless marriages states, "Marriage used to provide access to sex; now it provides access to celibacy" (January/February, p. 171).

All three of these explanations suggest that, for my generation, the sexual revolution was little more than a reaction to repression that was hijacked by economic conditions and women in the workplace.

Yes, the movement was hijacked, but it is not too late for thoughtful adults to take it back. In order to do so, however, we need to understand that these reasons for sexless marriages are secondary to a more complex cultural one.

In a short time, the sexual revolution changed many of our attitudes toward human sexuality. As we grew up in the 1950s and 1960s, Hugh Hefner promoted new attitudes toward sexuality and the female body. A walk on any beach, today, illustrates how these changes have taken hold. And a walk on these same beaches causes fathers like me to ask why our daughters feel a need to display so much of their bodies. Their swimsuits are not for swimming. Is this what the sexual revolution was all about?

This was the cultural hijacking of the sexual revolution. We went from "sexual desire is evil" to "sexual flesh is to be flaunted." One unhealthy message replaced another. As a result, the sexual revolution became a reason for promoting shallow sexuality - especially to our youth, whose hormonal levels leave them defenseless against such messages. The Newsweek and The Atlantic Monthly articles now inform us that the deeper messages of the sexual revolution never took hold in the adult lives of baby boomers.

The MTV message - that sexual desirability is about exposed flesh and expressions of aroused - plays to the lowest of our basic instincts. The sexual revolution was hijacked before it got beyond the notion of "free love."

Thirty years later, we baby boomers have reached our 40s, 50s and 60s. We now understand that love is never free. It always requires sacrifice, commitment, vulnerability, deep sharing and all the beautiful things that go with our pair- bonding nature.

So, what happened to the "sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll generation"? We rejected the sexual norms of the 1950s, but we left a vacuum that was filled by those who sell products and benefit from shallow sexuality messages. Our adult responsibility is to denounce this shallowness by hearkening back to the deeper messages of the 1960s and 1970s.

David Schnarch is one of the first to bring together the fields of sex therapy and marriage counseling. I will use his 1997 book, "The Passionate Marriage" to support my point that, while our popular culture is full of messages about sexual desirability, we receive few messages about healthy sexuality. My suggestion is that one way to build a sexually healthier society is for adults to use the deeper messages of the sexual revolution as the basis of what we want our sexual norms to be.

The first healthy tenet of the sexual revolution was that sex is enjoyable for women as well as (even more than) for men. The sexual revolution and the women's movement brought female desires out of the closet. This freed both genders to question socially constructed roles. The sexual revolution exposed sexual norms for what they are - socially constructed rules that may not be healthy for everyone.

Schnarch describes one of his clients as being angry at her husband, at her self, and "at her mother who had taught her that sex was all men wanted - and good women didn't" (p. 254). Sexual norms do not change easily.

Second, the sexual revolution removed, or at least moved, the boundaries within which "nice people" experience their partners. Some couples still struggle with sharing specific behaviors, but the sexual revolution suggested, "If it feels good, do it."

Similarly, the AARP ModernLove advice columnist points out that, "In sexual partnerships at midlife, there is no normal. Some couples prosper without any sex, and others need vigorous sessions every day - with costumes" (July & August, p. 38). The range of human sexual behavior and exploration is a beautiful thing.

Third, the sexual revolution insisted that sex not be a taboo subject. Marriage counselors make a living because couples fail to communicate about their sexual relationship.

"Sunday Night Sex Show" hostess Sue Johanson consistently tells her callers to talk with their partners about the same things they ask her. Communicating about sex is an essential part of a healthy, adult, long-term, committed relationship, but apparently an inability to talk about sexual development still plagues many couples.

The sexual revolution moved sex out of the closet, where we could consider the possibility that our sexuality reflects our deepest selves. This is the fourth tenet that we need to remember as we shape a healthier culture for ourselves and our children. One of the women being treated by Schnarch said, "I'm seeing that it is not really about sex in the usual sense. This is about who we've been, where we've come from, and becoming who we can be." (p. 37)

The main point of Schnarch's book is that, "At the limits of their sexual potential, humans are capable of bringing `high meaning' to sex and integrating sexuality and spirituality in mutually enhancing ways" (p. 81). One of his chapter subheadings is, "Using Sex to Grow" (p. 259).

This was also what the sexual revolution was about - understanding that our sexuality is a reflection of our deepest selves, and that sexual growth is a major part of human growth. That is why deep sexual sharing is at once exciting, beautiful, fulfilling, challenging and terrifying. By being about our desires and limitations, sex is a window to our deepest parts.

Schnarch's book makes these and many other excellent points, so I highly recommend it to others interested in this topic.

After reading this book I realize why I am so disappointed in the sexual messages that flood our society. It is not because they glorify sex. It is because they cheapen it beyond recognition.

Casey Hurley is a professor of educational administration at Western Carolina University. He writes occasionally about leadership and regional issues for the Citizen-Times editorial page.